I recently realized that I do not have a dream. I have no hopes for what my life will be. My notion to trust God and wait for whatever he will do, has transformed into a paralyzing state. There are no hopes or dreams that I have in my heart for a wishful future. I am essentially waiting for Godot.

When I was younger I very badly wanted to be a singer and actress. My mom would drive me to Barbizon casting calls, I participated in high school theater, I modeled, I wrote songs, etc. I even almost performed in a statewide singing competition (beating out over 1,000 people to place top ten, only to get appendicitis -_-). Anyway, there was something propelling me towards this desire I had in my heart. Every day I would wake up with a sense of purpose. But, the joy and force towards that dream eventually died out.

Today my perception of whatever future I will have has been withered down into a visual of me walking through a tunnel with a torch, only able to see what is directly in front of my feet. I have no drive or hope of personal fulfillment to help me get to the next step.

And I did not realize until now, how completely deprivating that is. I used to have passion, drive, and a sense of purpose, and I just don’t anymore. I want to be ambitious and shoot for the top, but I have no clue where I am aiming.

I’ve been watching an innumerable number of videos of celebrities, activists, influencers—and have felt inadequate. Being 22-year’s old means that I have an existential crisis just about every day. What is my purpose? What am I doing with my life? What should I be doing? What are my strengths? How do I get to where I am going? Am I good enough?

It’s hard to ask these questions. And sometimes it does bring me down, but other times, I know how important it is to contemplate these things. I don’t know the answer to most of those questions. But, I try to reassure myself that I don’t have to know the answers right now.

Life is so complex. There are so many factors and moving parts. And when you are lost and feel without purpose—what are you supposed to do? I’m not sure. I would like to have a crazy storage of faith to trust God in these moments, but I don’t. Sometimes—a lot of times—I worry too much and overthink and get so weighed down by only what I can see—or cannot see.

I wish I could end this post with a super comforting blurb about how we don’t have to worry, and we all have a purpose, and everything works out. And I wholeheartedly believe that to be true, but, I can’t say that right now. That isn’t how I’m feeling. And I think it’s important to express how you’re feeling even if it’s not always positive or easy. Because eventually once you release those feelings and begin to process them, healing can begin.

Music has always been a way to help me through any situation and there are two songs that have recently been a saving grace to keep my head up through this time of uncertainty. Below are pieces to the songs I am trying to focus on, and hopefully somehow, they can help you too. :)

Sun is Rising by Brit Nicole

“When life has cut too deep and left you hurting.
The future you had hoped for is now burning.
And the dreams you held so tight lost their meaning,
And you don't know if you'll ever find the healing.

You're gonna make it.
You're gonna make it.
And the night can only last for so long.

Whatever you're facing,
If your heart is breaking,
There's a promise for the ones who just hold on.
Lift up your eyes and see,
The sun is rising”

Viva la Misfits by Social Club Misfits

“You were called to change your family, you were called to change the world

They know that you have a plan for your life.

You will find moments where you feel inadequate,

And like you're not called to do this.

But the truth is, if the Bible is true then you are more than a conquerer.

They know that you have a purpose for your life.

They know that God's hand is on you.

They get worried that if you catch a glimpse of everything it is that God has for you,

Then you're gonna start to walk a little bit different.

You're gonna start to talk a little bit different.

You're gonna start to act in an authority.

And if you get this thing inside of you are gonna change the game forever.

They can get you to believe that you are a nobody if you keep on listening to these stooges.

Why would you ever listen to anybody else but God?”